a child with a million dollar smile....a woman with the warmth of the womb....a friend with the promise of eternity....consciencous keeper....a ferioucious lover......a helpless soul......an aching heart.....i feel the perfect state of nirvana in the radiance of her smile...can kill to protect that child...the innocence...the exuberance.....the little things that reinforce my faith in the goodness of the world....she is the perfect woman i could have ever imagined charged exessively with emotions often not in her own control.......a flower which stands with disdain only hiding the soft and pure and a vunerable heart which few lucky ones have an acess to.....am privileged to be one of those....her energy and smile often wakes me up in the night and more times than that put me to sleep......too fragile for the cruel world....alice in her own right...this princess is surely the queen of my heart body and soul........
(this is ur description...will write about love and relationships sometime later)

vacations so far

i have been home for about 15 days now....can`t say exactly how has been the experience like...it didn`t turn out the way i expeted it to be...peaceful....peace was in short supply....nevertheless now when time to go back is upon me i guess i got no regrets....not getting along with parents and your folk....fighting or diffirence of opinion even on manner of sitting....dirty little quarrels...bad blood....little happenings....not able to forget what people say to you in fitts of anger..judging people very hard...wanting to break away yet holding on tightly......beauty of small things is lost in mix of so much that happens or what you believed happened....pain, agony, frustation, hollowness, detachment, dejectment, rejection..it is a bag full of emotions enrolled into one....for me the realization that it is going towards a situation where i will not be in controll or perhaps i am already there without realizing that i am there is a feeling not welcomed.....more than compromise or surrender it is an undying will to achieve a higher plane of exixtence is perhaps the root cause of the agony or the cradle of small little conflicts...and the saviour too...friends have been a good stress busters if i can call them that but nothing more than that....the feeling of distancing youself from your people is engulfing enough to not let you think of anything else...but than i question why should it be such an overpowering experience...answers to which still seem nowhere in sight...i guess these things make u feel alive....am just riding with the flow and hoping it leads me not to a fall...even if does i hope i enjoy the fall......

feel grown up

went to see a close frnd....a frnd since i remember time. was excited to see her, was kind of happy atleast something to look forward to in this desolation. felt completly at peace to begin with never knowing where the conversation would lead to kind of hoping it leads to nowhere, didn`t feel like taxing my brain already bruised with worldly troubles. eventually we got talking i took her to a long drive, meanwhile meet his guy. sweet chap with nothin extraordinary to him on the first look. they looked happy together at first...but then relationships are soo complicated that i could have never been sure.....then we got talking...i could so see myself in what my friend had to say to me...a parellel situation of similar ways yet not exactly same had come to raise serious questions of me...all the while i listened intently to what she had to say and feeling guilty at the realization that i was caught up with my own questions....answers to which are still beyond me....i realized so many things about human brain and started appreciating them and also realized i was jugding a certain person a bit too hard...i have had a easy life soo far doesn`t mean everybody is as lucky as me.......at the end of the ride i felt a weird happiness of increasing my understanding of human relationships or should i say i just got to see a slice of life how much i understand it only time will tell....don`t know whether i should have been happy just meeting my friend....guess thats the kind of moron i have become......

15oct08

getting started with blogging...don`t know why.....just the urge to do it once or just that nothing better to do...deeper purposes like the need to express myself elude me, still am here pounding my laptop for no apperent reason....the futility of the exercise lies in my mind....no major plans for the day....nothing to look forward to....lingering sensation of numbness is hard to overcome....only warmth inside is because of a reason, miles away.....lets see wiill post how the day went by...ciao